Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
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