Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
Randomize
