I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
Your shirt... Was in my pants
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
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