Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
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