My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
I understand Curling. That high.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
Randomize
