The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
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