Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
