I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
I was not drunk enough for that final.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Randomize
