I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
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