I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
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