I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
Randomize
