I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
