apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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