I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Randomize
