Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
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