how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
Randomize
