We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
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