Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
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