I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
she was so hung over that i had to hold her hair while she puked in a trash can in the middle of the student center as new freshman and their parents walked by.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
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