He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
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