rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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