I just saw a license plate that said "Guidete" at college. This proves the world is officially ending in 2012
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
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