Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
Randomize
