We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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