its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Randomize
