we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
is wine microwaveable?
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
Randomize
