i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
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