Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
This is classic penis vs brain.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
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