i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
Little spoons don't ask big questions
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
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