it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
Randomize
