Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
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