Porn is love you can see.
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
Randomize
