I was so high i started crying when i saw how much puppychow was there.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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