A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
