The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
Both our collective sex appeal dies once someone cums on a snuggie kayla
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Randomize
