he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Randomize
