Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
Let's paint friendship bongs
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
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