Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
Randomize
