what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
Randomize
