we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
Verdict: uncircumcised.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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