seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
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