Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
My clean wipe streak was ended today by two enchiladas and a can of refried beans. dammit i should have been more cautious. thanks for all ur encouragement and support.
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
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