I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
I was high and he had on a gorilla suit. Of course I had to take a picture with him
Your a disgrace to smokers everywhere
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
Randomize
