I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
Can you bring me the toilet please
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
Randomize
