bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
Randomize
