She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
Yep and i guess after he came back from that he sat down next to me and i just put my hand right on his penis just casually like it was his leg
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
