I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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