do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
A BJ like that needs to be recommended.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
