I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
Happy cinco de mayo!! Puke filled sombrero in the lawn needs to be picked up and whos never punched my fence boards in half needs to replace those by the way the owner of those panties (see attached photo) anytime you wanna cum over;-) hiii!
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
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