so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
After what was supposed to be a one night stand I woke up to a message in my room wall written in marker "Kaitlin got it on in here" definitely a cock block down the road
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
