What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
He goes to Columbia so regardless of how he looks I should fuck him right?
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
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