dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
