Are you guys doing anything tonight?
Krysta
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Randomize
