Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
Randomize
