Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
Randomize
