Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
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