if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
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