I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
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