Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
Randomize