Thank you blackberry messenger, for giving me a way to sext faster and more efficiently
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
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