i just had sex bonerless
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
Randomize
