all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
Randomize
