OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
Me too. I'd like to spend all next summer high and drunk and riding ponies and boys.
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
They wouldn't serve more then two Shots per person, so you grabbed a group of strangers and said u werre buying them all shots, then proceeded to drink all of them.
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
Randomize