I swear she didn't look like that last week.
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
