Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
Come over
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
PANTIES FOUND
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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